Hull City AFC – In 10 Years Time

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I remember those dark days of 2020, when Hull City were again flirting with relegation from the Championship.

Amazingly, the Allams through their marine generator business had managed to strike some interesting acquaintances – quite where this world-famous acquaintance got the £70m that the club was valued at was another question, but it looks like a steal now with Hull City challenging for Champions’s League position, sitting 7th in Premier League 1, just one point and one place behind qualifying for the Champions League.

Yes, Stadium Trump, one of the largest in northern England, replete with Trump Secondary School cheerleaders and the world’s second-most impressive light display – only beaten by Donald Trump Jr’s Florida stadium, where some of our home games are now played (meh – don’t tell me you hadn’t fallen out of love with football anyway), could be about to host it’s first ever Champions League game.

I remember when I dreamed of Hull City playing in the Championship, now I am dreaming of us playing Barcelona. Thank you must go to the Allams for finally selling the club, and holding out for our new Trump heroes…

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After rejecting a whopping £70m bid in 2020 from an unnamed American businessman, rumoured to be one of America’s greatest businessmen, there were no further bids for Hull City.

Michelle Allam – Ehab’s third wife, but first transsexual wife, is running the training session as we prepare to play our final local derby of the season, against the rejuvenated North Ferriby, who are 4 places above us in the Ronseal Shed Lacquer League. Whilst an 8th relegation in 10 seasons has been avoided with a comfortable mid-table finish, all is not well at the club.

Long gone are the days of playing Champions of Europe, Leeds United (well, they were unlucky two years ago, losing in a penalty shoot-out against AC Milan) – now we grasp the opportunity to play luminaries such as Bridlington FC.

Looking back, the failed protests of 2018 and again in 2020 were our final opportunities to rid the club of the Allams. Back when we used to play at the KC, there was a half-hearted attempt at the beginning of 2020 to relaunch the protests but so many fans had already found something else to do on a Saturday – let alone wanted to give the bastards in charge any more money, that they soon whimpered out.

The passives won. The Allams won.

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It seems crazy that some of the best players in the world play for Hull City AFC, especially crazy that we have the captain of Iraq’s national team in goal for us – easily the best keeper in the world right now.

All is not well though. We barely have any more fans from Hull at our Stadium Trump games than we do when we play at Stadium Mar-a-Lago in Florida. The stadium is full of tourists, sitting there eating their prawn and avocado sandwiches (ha – remember when everyone in Britain used to eat avocado on toast…tossers), not making too much noise.

Not that we are allowed to sing anyway, being one of the many new rules implemented by the post-Brexit fascists now running the country.

It’s still one of the rare forms of fun and education that we get, so every moment should be savoured, at least for those of us that can afford the $200 tickets – and have the foreign currency available.

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The football might be shite, and Craven Park might be falling apart (still has the highest capacity in the league at an official 1,800 – our alleged attendance despite a half-empty stadium), but at least we have Hull City on the badge, and ticket prices haven’t gone up. And heck, we have a Brewdog bar on the concourse – far better than the shite they used to serve at the KC.

And it isn’t exactly as if we still have Forestieri up front for us, like we did in the conference for a season – we have proper footballers, the kind that Dolan would have dreamed of, curiously including Gregor Rioch’s son. Oh to go back to the days of Martin Fish and Terry Dolan, the halcyon days of the 1990’s.

Meanwhile, Ehab is still holding out for £90m for the club, despite having even sold the personalised metal plates that used to be on the bricks at the KC, for scrap metal value. And to think we thought that he couldn’t get lower. At least one of his yachts sunk in Monaco harbour.

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What does the future hold? I don’t know, I’m kinda fed up of football – it just seems so soulless.

I mean, you are not even allowed to have a drink before the game, let alone at half-time. Who would have dreamt of a day where alcohol sensors on the gates will reject your entry? I’ve even been stopped from entering on a bad hangover. Which is a waste of $200.

A couple of my mates have gone back to watching non-league football at the rejuvenated North Ferriby. Might be worth a shout – especially seeing as Phil Brown is rumoured to be their next manager.

And if the name change goes through to Trump City AFC – then I fucking well am out of there. Maybe except for a Champions League game or two. Need to keep mum and dad happy.

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What does the future hold? Well, I sound like a broken record but until we get the Allams out of the club, then we are just going further into oblivion. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d dream of promotion out of the Ronseal Shed Lacquer League.

Amazingly some (challenged) folk still think that there are no better owners out there, that Ehab is doing his best for the club, that Michelle is the best manager that we can afford – despite only previously “managing” the robo-receptionists.

At least we are still Hull City AFC. One day we’ll have our club back. One day…

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