The Very Important Hull City Announcement

Assem Allam spoke for an hour today (though even Radio Humberside got bored after 30 or so minutes of waffling).  I have condensed and translated it for you:

I am clearing the air so the Russian man does not get upset.  This is the future of Hull City.  I mean, you know I mean Hull Tigers.  Think what I think.  Check my CV, I am a man of principle.  I have the biggest marine generator company in the whole of the United Kingdom.  THE biggest.

The silent majority don’t know that there is an invisible Waitrose under the Majeski stadium –you should go to Reading.  Or Sunderland where there used to be a car industry.

I vote Labour but Labour in London is different from Labour in Hull, and the Labour council people that have been in their job for 60 years need to go on a train to Doncaster which would be the furthest that they have ever travelled, however there is no Waitrose at Doncaster station.

If you kill someone outside the KC stadium, nobody would know.  Not even the council.  But if I had the stadium freehold, then you killed someone, everyone would know because there would be a Waitrose, a hotel and a KFC.  Except the council.

There is no Red Bull club, Coca Cola club or Red Bottom club, but that is different from Hull Tigers because of the FA bullying.  Check my CV.  It is on there.  You cannot make a Red Bottom club.  But we have been Hull City Tigers for 110 years.  I change the name or I sell.

I will tell you what a dictator actually is, because I am not a dictator and you must listen to my answer or else.  I am a successful man, I am a marketer and I know how to market a business – if you don’t believe me then I will give the football club away.

I will tell you a secret.  Do you want to know the secret?  Well I will tell you the secret.  Check my CV.  I can tell you the secret.  Do you like your coat?  Well I look after the name and you lost me £1million due to the FA bullying me.  You can keep your coat.  That is the secret.  I change the name.  You pay the money and you can have the name.  And the coat.

I have made us the largest area for a football team.  There is no other club from Manchester to Newcastle to Rotterdam.  I destroyed Leeds.  I am Ken Bates in disguise.  All of the North Sea – no football club.  All the fish support Hull City Tigers.  Even the cod.  If the name is changed, we will be a top 5 club.  Automatic.  Always in Europe.  I never fail, I am a man of principle.  If not, then I will fail and I will cry.

The name change is with the Court of Sport Arbitration.  I am going if they say no.  Unless I stay.  Check my CV.  I do not lie.  Do not ask me if anyone is interested in buying the club, this is not what this is about.

I hope I have cleared the air although the silent majority already understand that I am a man of principle.  I said I would go within 24 hours.  I went within 22 hours.  I am still here but I have put the club up for sale.  And then I will go.  Within 24 hours.  If you don’t think that, you are a hooligan and you don’t have a marine generator business.

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